violent dispersal

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hearBut I knew that it would comeAn old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phoneShe said you found someoneAnd I thought of all the bad luck,And the struggles we went throughAnd how I lost me and you lost youWhat are these voices outside love's open doorMake us throw off our contentmentAnd beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you nowBut I miss you sometimesThe more I know, the less I understandAll the things I thought I knew, I'm learning againI've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the MatterBut my will gets weakAnd my thoughts seem to scatterBut I think it's about forgivenessForgivenessEven if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertainThere's a yearning undefined...People filled with rageWe all need a little tendernessHow can love survive in such a graceless ageThe trust and self-assurance that can lead to happinessThey're the very things we kill, I guessPride and competition cannot fill these empty armsAnd the work I put between us,Doesn't keep me warm

I'm learning to live without you nowBut I miss you, BabyThe more I know, the less I understandAll the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn againI've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the MatterBut everything changesAnd my friends seem to scatterBut I think it's about forgivenessForgivenessEven if, even if you don't love me anymore

There are people in your life who've come and goneThey let you down and hurt your prideBetter put it all behind you; life goes onYou keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you insideI've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the MatterBut my will gets weakAnd my thoughts seem to scatterBut I think it's about forgivenessForgivenessEven if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the MatterBecause the flesh will get weakAnd the ashes will scatterSo I'm thinkin' about forgivenessForgivenessEven if, even if you don't love me anymore

-Don Henley

Kusang lumalalim
ang gabi kahit walang tagahukay
sinisilip ang
takipsilim ng umagang hindi dumarating
ayaw dapuan ng
antok
ni minsan hindi
kumakatok
sa mga katulad kong
minumulto
ng mga lumipas sa
lahat ng sulok.

Bakit hindi mo
lisanin ang matandain kong alaala?
Bakit ayaw mo ako
ihatid sa pampang ng umaga?
Bakit hindi kita
malimot
dalawang taon na
rin akong binabangungot
ng mga
‘di-makaligtaang nakaraan
mga alaalang walang
libingan
ang iyong mukha at
pangalan
aking mga tula
hindi lang minsan.

Sadya bang ganito
ang mga sinumpang sumpaan?
Ang puso ko ay
malaya ngunit bilanggo sa iyong piitan
Naiisip mo ba ako
sumasagi, natatanto?
Dahil ikaw ay palagi
madalas hinahabi
tinatahi ng aking
isip at puso kong tumitigil
ang iyong bawat
sandali
nakalipas at
pagkukusa
lubos at ganap kong kamalayan
diwa ng tumatakas na pagmamahalan.

Marahil ikaw ay
nahihimbing na
payapa ang piling
walang alintana
walang bagahe
hindi tulad ko
tunay na madami

Ang pinakamasakit
ay hindi mo malaman
na hanggang ngayon
ikaw ang laman ng tumatakas kong ulirat
katinuang hindi
sumasapat
kay hirap mong
lisanin
patiwakal kung
gagawin
ngunit saan kita
dadalhin
saan kita
hahanapin?

Sabi mo, ang
pag-ibig muling kumakatok
Ang sabi ko,
ngayong gabi ang tanging nais ko ay yakap
at haplos ng antok.

030804

I saw you last
night
Walking while
making heads turn
How long has it been?
Since we exchange
empty glances that cut us to bits of puzzle.
I try hard to pick
up the pieces
But you threw me
hard
Now I’m falling
like worn-out confetti in filthy rich Makati.

I hang on your
parties
More miserable than
a wallflower
I envy the waiters
and the parking attendants
People sought their
attention
While I am
desperately wanting a speck of existence.

You ignore me and
sometimes I’m quite happy with it
I’m being sent off
by a deity
Though not perfect
More than mortally
enough.

But often I am
forlorn.

December 2004 Alex Grill

Ang Tinatong Kulisap

Nakita kita kagabi
Naglalakad habang
binabali ang mga leeg ng mga ulong umiikot
Sa pagtingin sa iyo
Gaano na ba katagal
noong huli tayong nagpapalitan ng mga
Blankong sulyapan
na hinihiwa tayo sa mga maliliit na piraso ng palaisipan?
Pinipilit kong
pulutin ang mga piraso
Ngayon ako ay tila
nahuhulog na parang isang bantulot na papel
Sa kahabaan ng
marangyang Makati.

Madalas ako sa iyong mga piging
Ngunit mas madalas masahol pa akong nalulungkot kaysa
sa lungkot.
Pinagseselosan ko ang mga weyter at mga parking boy
Mas hinahanap ng
mga tao ang kanilang atensyon
Samantalang ako
nagpupumilit na makahanap ng malapulbos na pagkilala
Kahit tungo mula sa iyo.

Hindi mo ako
pinapansin at minsan
Masaya na rin ako
Masaya dahil ako ay
tinataboy ng isang diyosa
Bagama’t hindi perpekto
Sapat na sa mundo.

Ngunit kadalasan,
ako ang lungkot.

We pass by each
other
My shadow reluctant
Your silhouette
brave
We were former
“ex-strangers”
Now we are worse
than this mess
Each day
More beautiful you
While mine
Whiffs of nothing
new.

We pass each other
Careful not to bump
each others’ shoulders, elbows
And constraints
Trying hard not to
scatter our
Unsettled
settlements
Unlike our
arguments
Found in every
place, corner of your house.

We pass by each
other
Full-time snobs yet
very pedestrian
But the glances
The concealed
glances
At least there’s
something we still share
Haunt us
Betray us
Tire us
Make us
transparent.

070904

Dinadaanan Natin ang Bawat Isa

Dinadaanan natin
ang bawat isa
Ang anino ko
atubili
Ang aninag mo
matapang
Tayo ay mga dating
‘di magkakilalang estranghero
Ngayon tila mas masahol pa tayo sa gulo na ito
Bawat araw
Lubhang magandang
ikaw
Samantalang ako
Mahihinang ihip ng
walang pagbabago.

Dinadaanan natin
ang bawat isa
Maingat na hindi
natin mabangga ang mga balikat, siko
At pagpipigil ng
bawat isa
Pinagsusumikapang
hindi natin maikalat
Ang ating mga hindi
maayos na pag-aayos
Hindi katulad ng
mga away natin
Matatagpuan sa
bawat sulok at kanto ng iyong bahay.

Dinadaanan natin
ang bawat isa
Suplado’t suplada ngunit para lamang naglalakad sa
kalsada
Ngunit ang mga tingin
Ang mga patagong
sulyapan
Kahit papaano’y may
pinagsasamahan
Pinaghahatian
Minumulto tayo
Pinagtataksilan
tayo
Pinapagod tayo
Madali tayong
nahahalata.  

sashaninel

Let’s just say that I’m tired.
I’m tired of all the wrongs and the occasional rights that I have done and will
continue to do. I just want to stop. Halt and rust until time forgets all about
me. I just wanted to end whatever life is breathing, beating in this dung heap
flesh held together by a tattered and worn out soul. How I yearn for a car
crash, an accident that does not want to be rescued, jammed traffic
intersections where I can just lay still, go deaf and oblivious.

Have you been at the edge of the roof? The eternal flaw is
so profound that it is impossible to fix it. You are left with nothing genuine,
nothing true except the feeling of being alone and empty. It is always raining
in my mind. And I am flooding this barrenness in me. The dam I built a long
time ago now stands in ruin, proud no more. The craving of deliverance is
unsatisfied, unfulfilled. Dearth of everything I miss. My seasons are leaving
without any particular reason. My demons I try to exorcise in a ritual of
sincerity and mendaciousness. However, they come back. I know they’ll come
back. They always do. How I wish I could talk to an angel and tell him, tell
her, tell them that I am here, there and nowhere all at the same time.

Sometimes I wish for a sunburn.
Walk indiscriminately in a white shoreline and bask in the radiance that never
was. I wish I could touch the horizon and see what is beyond the fixated stars
that shine best when nearing death. My ever-gazing star. You shine best now.

I wanted to drown together with
you because last night you were the sky and today you are the moon. But you are
not there. Can I ask you where are the fireflies that make your slit eyes glow
like fire in dark caverns where I hide my sorrows? I almost miss your fragile
hands. I can still hear how it makes beautiful music like how a piano makes a
filthy bistro the most beautiful place in this fleeting world with her melody
of black and white keys.

Let’s just say its over. The
start and the end are fast closing on us. Like a faded black and white film,
you have seen the reruns but you still fall for it everytime. You fall into a
thousand pieces. You are scattered like unmindful pieces of glass waiting to
cut and slit some wrist, some vein, some drifting life. You and I are the
shards of my former self.

I am tired. But I am fine.

sashaninel may182006